Tag Archives: satire

Which zodiac sign are you?

I got platyhelmenthes, the flat worm.

Originally identified by the ancient Babylonians, platyhelmenthes represents a single neuron life. Most of your activities are guided by chemotaxis, the attraction to low grade, usually chemical, stimuli, and the concentration of non-sentient drama in the unexamined life. Ancient sailors used platyhelmenthes to guide them to no place in particular, and it allows you to drift aimlessly in the doldrums of your college roommate’s spare bedroom, where your inability to move forward could be justified by watching Dancing with the Stars, but not really. In approximately 2500 BC, platyhelmenthes was eliminated from the zodiac, when they realized it was only a result of a bad calculation, that they kept repeating. Kind of like that guy you woke up with. Again. You are most compatible with the Blue Ball Lizard, which stormed out of the zodiac, in 2433BC, after being told what blue ball actually means. your lucky number is 555-2143. but you knew that, already.

Art vs Suburbs – Peter Bruegel the Elder

On the way back from the art museum, from a day of vivid artistic expression in oil and ceramic and gold and ink and celluloid and marble and acrylic, I dream of a world of bright colored canvas scenes in Italian and Flemish and French.

As we drive, the streets tick by, with exquisite regularity. We could be going east or south or some direction just invented to allow identically trained developers to create neighborhoods named for trees, shopping centers named for woodland geography, and cul de sacs named after their children.
The lawns are manicured with micrometer precision and the pin oaks are aligned with an accuracy that would have made those who were first living on this continent retreat in fear from the dark magic of its symmetry.

There are two shades of each of the 4 primary colors of the houses. Taupe, flint, moss, and clay, each in light or dark and the yews and junipers in every yard flash by, like suburban camo, dotted by the occasional basketball hoop or bird feeder.

Rarely, there is a bright blue or pink house, that the neighborhood association is drawing up plans to protest. Other, less ambitious, neighbors discuss it, instead, over a gas grill barbecue On the wooden deck, while a ball game plays on the tv in the living room, and the kids are downstairs playing wii, except the two mismatched teenagers, trying to pick a Playstation game they can both agree on, and wondering if the other one is secretly gay, too.

Every six blocks, there is a church of no particular denomination, but with some redemptive description, and the name of a saint or Jesus, Himself, on the sign. Children are always welcome, and there is a family social on the calendar. Services are at 9.

Seven restaurant chains have alternating outlets in the shopping center lots, near the street, with plenty of parking, and weekday lunch specials. Gluten free options are available and there is a small fee for sharing plates, except with children under 3.

Long stretches of strip malls advertise fresh and savings-oriented franchise grocers, clip-snip-shears salons, painless, new-smile dental offices and happy, lucky and golden Chinese take outs, who use no msg, but ask that you report any allergies to the server, before ordering. Every third store front is “coming soon.”

Small clusters of single story executive/professional offices spill out around the major mile intersections with easy access, and well maintained hedges, and have names like Executive and Professional, and deliveries use the 109th street entrance, please.

Along the interstate, cubic mirrored buildings in bold, cubic geometric designs, with cryptic, modern logos stand side by side with chain hotels of similar design, distinguishable by the faint scent of chlorine from the properly treated, family friendly pool, with no lifeguard on duty, use at your own risk.

Next week, according to signs stuck into the ground at shopping mall entrances, there is a cultural festival that will highlight a well regarded minority of the community, were there actually one. Crafts will be sold, dances will be performed, children’s activities will be available and prizes will be awarded. Tickets are for sale at all Price Smasher discount food and liquor stores, 8 dollars in advance, 10 at the gate, no refunds, but tickets are transferrable. If you buy 5 tickets, you get a free family sized box of their very best chocolate chip cookies, made fresh, daily.

Just in case I need to get back to that bright and colorful place, I try to make sure I can retrace my steps, like rows and columns in a crossword, without a clue. Fifteenth century Flemish painter. Seventeen letters. Ends with ‘r’.

For love and staus updates

So here I am, in a bar near a tourist section of Boston. The upstairs is crowded, and people are dancing to the music some guy is playing in his Mac, over big speakers. There is a boy-girl couple on one side of the dance floor. A young attractive pair, jerking and twisting to the music that is blasting until my teeth hurt. Her body is swinging frenetically, swinging her hair and arching her back, her butt pressed against her partner’s front as she tosses her head back in an expression of disco ecstasy. Her boyfriend sways his body, more or less in the rhythm of the music, his face casting off an almost blue shine. Just out of her visual range, he is texting.